Thursday, September 25, 2008

PlainOleMike's Philosophy of Dance Club Psychology

I'm a pretty shy guy. I've gotten better over the years, in high
school the shyness was almost crippling, but I'm still pretty quite
and reserved. In my element, I'm golden. I can talk to anyone
anytime. Around friends, I lack an embarrassment gene. However, in
an unfamiliar environment, I become pretty closed off. I don't feel
comfortable with strangers. To me, a party where I don't know anyone
is hell. The only thing worse is a dance club.
This one girl that I dated for a while way back in the day was always
trying to get me to open up, relax, become more outgoing. She wanted
to help me with my problems, and I suppose that's a pretty nice thing
for someone to do, but her objective was not so much with the
niceness. She just wanted to get me out on the dance floor so she
could dance all seductively and suggestively and draw attention to
herself. All the while she'd be flirting with and making eyes at
other guys. I knew all about her little dance floor scam, cuz that's
how she piqued my interest in the first place. I really didn't care
about her game though. I was only with her, because it was better
than being alone, and it was the same for her. So, to avoid this
whole dance floor thing, I explained this little theory to her.
There are, in this world, eight different kids of people. These eight
categories cover nearly everything there is a bout a person's
psychological characteristics in very simple terms. By what category
a person is in, you can tell just about everything you initially need
to know about them. You can categorize anyone with this method by
simply putting the on or near a dance floor.

First we have "Dancers." Dancers are people who like to dance, are
good at dancing, and do dance. They're outgoing and uninhibited,
popular and usually up for a good time.

On the other hand, there's "Not Dancers." These are people who, for
some reason or another, do not enjoy dancing, and therefore, they do
not dance. These are perfectly normal individuals who just may be a
bit introverted. They'd much rather sit and talk or rent a video than
spend a night out on the town.

Now, here's where it starts to get a bit fuzzy. Next, we have
"Dancing Not Dancers." These are Not Dancers who are dancing. Like
Not Dancers, they do not like to dance, they do not want to dance, but
for some reason, they've chosen to dance anyway. In most cases
they're pathetic lonely souls who are usually out on the dance floor
in a misguided attempt at impressing the opposite sex.

Closely related, we have "Not Dancing Dancers." This is a rare breed
that wants to be out on the dance floor, but for some reason,
unbeknownst to us, they feel bound to the bar, their table, or their
game. This unhealthy attachment to inanimate objects does not stop
them from dancing. No sir. Often involved in tragic beverage
spilling incidents, they can always be found off to the side
somewhere, dancing with a pool cue or a chair or something. They
could be sitting down, and they'd still be dancing. For some
inexplicable reason, they leave us with the unanswered question: Why
the hell don't they just go out on the floor?

Our next category is usually male. They are the "Forced Dancers."
The do not enjoy it, they are most often not very good at it, they
don't want to be doing it, but there they are...dancing. Sadly, these
creatures are not dancing of their own free will. They're being
forced. By forced, I'm politely saying they may be dancing because of
obligation to a significant other, out of fear of pissing off the
significant other, or the threat of loss of intimacy with said
significant other. Also common, use of physical force Not even the
Bill of Rights can help these poor folks..

Next is a group of potentially dangerous people called "Should Be
Forced Not Dancers." These people flat out can not dance. They are a
hazard to the well being of those around them, they should be forced
off the dance floor. At times, they are an embarrassment to mankind.
Strangely enough, they're usually the most spirited of dancers.
They're commonly found spinning and gyrating violently about the dance
floor. Often times they're found dancing at entirely inappropriate
music, such as Muzak at the grocery store or in between inning filler
at a baseball game. These are also the same people that you can find
outside talking to trees and trash cans and chasing things that only
they can see.

That brings us to "Once Were Dancers." These people love to dance.
They couldn't be having more fun than when they're out on the dance
floor. They, in no way lack the ability to dance, but unfortunately
it seems that time has passed them by, and they appear to be dancing
in some sort of demented time warp. They may not be happy with their
lives and are subconsciously escaping to better times, often
demonstrating this by appearing at modern dance clubs steppin' like
the New Kids, groovin' to the Mashed Potato, or showing off the moves
they learned on American Bandstand back in January of '71.

Last, and in no way, shape, or form least, we have a category of
people that under normal circumstances would fit in somewhere else.
But, things are far from normal circumstances for "Cuz They're Drunk
Dancers." It seems that these folks have indulged a bit too much in
the intoxicating beverages, and this, strangely, has led them out onto
the dance floor. Beware. Do not make eye contact with or feed the
Cuz They're Drunk Dancers.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is my theory on human psychology as
manifested in dance floor activities.

That girl that I used to date, she told me that I was pretty much nuts
upon hearing my theory. She went back out on the dance floor alone.
She wasn't alone for long. Oh well.

Me, I'm strictly a "Not Dancer." I just went back to the bar and got
another drink.

Dance your way over to and throw a vote at this not dancer.


Da Old Man said...

Thispost makes me feel like not dancing, which perfectly fits my profile. :)

LiteralDan said...

I am 100% with you on the silent-when-out-of-my-element-but-Mr.-Personality-when-among-friends thing. And here I thought I was the only one.

I'm somewhere between a Not Dancing Dancer and a Forced Dancer.

HappyHourSue said...

I was a dancer back in the day - but so much so that I had no idea that guys didn't go to clubs because they loved dancing. Seriously. Did not know about the whole dancing-to-get-laid thing.

Bee said...

I am a "Not Dancing Dancers". I know TRAGIC!